Nuts (a ten minute play)

[Johngamer II]

This was for my playwriting class... I might as well post it here! The formatting will probably (definitely) be screwed up.


CHARACTERS

SIR PUFFYTAIL, about 20 in “squirrel years.” He is called “Puffytail” for his extremely large and puffy tail (even in squirrel standards). He is a red squirrel and has a large acorn painted on his shield (surrounded in a halo of yellow paint/light). Costume should be badly done, so that it looks intentionally like a man dressed as a squirrel.

SIR SCRAGGLES, middle aged grey squirrel. 45 “squirrel years.” He looks very scraggly (of course). Ridiculously scraggly; bad enough that people should want to laugh just looking at him. Again, “terrible” squirrel costume.

HAWK 1, looks like a man with cardboard “wings” duct taped to his arms, and an orange construction paper “beak” attached to his face.

HAWK 2, identical to hawk 1.


TIME

1450, early afternoon



PLACE

The middle of a lightly wooded meadow. A castle can be seen in the background; the castle being badly drawn to heighten the absurd “mood” of the play. A bird’s nest can be seen in one of the few trees, and there is a rather large stone on the ground. There are lots of happy flowers to increase the joy of all who watch the play.



(Scene opens on SIR SCRAGGLES digging merrily in the ground and “chittering” happily. SIR PUFFYTAIL struts in from stage right, making a show of waiving his “magnificent” tail around)

SIR PUFFYTAIL
You there! Ugly squirrel knight!

SIR SCRAGGLES

(Looking around to see if any other squirrel is being addressed)

Me? Ugly!? I won the Mr. Squirreliverse beauty pageant three years in a row in my youth!

SIR PUFFYTAIL
They let males in beauty pageants…? I’ve never heard of such a thing.

SIR SCRAGGLES
They do! It’s just not… very publicized.

SIR PUFFYTAIL
Or very masculine.

SIR SCRAGGLES
That… doesn’t matter, and it’s irrelevant to this situation! I’m trying to make the point that I am as beautiful as an autumn sunset, as glorious as a spring shower, as picturesque as--

SIR PUFFYTAIL
--A sickly kitten’s hairball!

SIR SCRAGGLES
(Gasps)
How dare you?
(Pauses)
How dare you!?

SIR PUFFYTAIL
And you also smell funny!

SIR SCRAGGLES
What have I done to you fellow squirrel knight to make you ridicule me so?

SIT PUFFYTAIL
Well… As you were passing, I couldn’t help but notice that you had an ugly walnut painted on your shield, and all squirrels know that walnuts are inferior to acorns…
SIR SCRAGGLES
What? Acorns better than walnuts!?

SIR PUFFYTAIL
Well, don’t get me wrong, I mean, walnuts are all right… if you are starving, or you need something to throw at an enemy.

SIR SCRAGGLES

(Reaching into his armor to pull out a walnut, which he then throws at SIR PUFFYTAIL, hitting him in the head and knocking him to the ground)

Take that stupid acorn lover with the ridiculously oversized tail!

SIR PUFFYTAIL

(Shakes his head to get his bearings back and then gets up off of the ground, brushes himself off, and begins to glare at SIR SCRAGGLES)

That hurt you fiend! And you only managed to prove my point… Walnuts are a lousy source of food and should only be used as crude projectile weapons.

SIR SCRAGGLES
I’ll make you eat those words!

SIR PUFFYTAIL
I’ll eat nothing but acorns, and then I’ll sit around and contemplate how much better they taste than walnuts.

SIR SCRAGGLES
I’m going to lop off your head with my silly squirrel sword and you’ll never be able to “contemplate” anything ever again!

SIR PUFFYTAIL
All right then, we shall have an epic duel! The winner, which will be me, will be able to say which food is better.

SIR SCRAGGLES
(Laughs spitefully)

You, win? I’m surprised you can even stay balanced with a tail like that. It probably weighs you down as you leap from tree to tree, and you end up falling and smashing your face on the ground.


SIR PUFFYTAIL
Oh please! A face this perfect and you think I’ve fallen on it?

SIR SCRAGGLES
Either you’ve fallen on that face, or some rabid creature has gnawed on it for a while.

SIR PUFFYTAIL
Okay that’s it, en garde!

(Both squirrels draw their swords, which are obviously just “sharp” pieces of cardboard painted silver, and then start circling each other)

SIR SCRAGGLES
Should we really fight out here in the open like this? There could be hawks around.

SIR PUFFYTAIL
Yeah, I knew you’d chicken out of our duel.

SIR SCRAGGLES
I’m not chickening out, I’m just saying…

SIR PUFFYTAIL
Quit stalling and fight me!

SIR SCRAGGLES
Okay, but you aren’t ready for this you acorn lover; I used to train in the art of swordplay for many hours each and every day. That is, when I didn’t have beauty pageants to attend.

(Thrusts with his sword, SIR PUFFYTAIL parries)

SIR PUFFYTAIL
It is you who is “not ready!” My father was that immortal highlander guy from T.V. He taught me everything he knew, and then some!

(Brings his sword into the air and then swipes downward at SIR SCRAGGLES, who blocks it with apparent ease and then steps back a few paces)

SIR SGRAGGLES
That highlander guy was a human being, it is physically impossible for him to be your father…

SIR PUFFYTAIL
He was my father because… He adopted me!


SIR SCRAGGLES
A human… “adopting” a squirrel? You mean you were his pet?

SIR PUFFYTAIL
Pet, son, what’s the difference?

SIR SCRAGGLES
Oh, just shut up already!

(The two squirrels resume their “swordplay.” The battle rages back and forth with no squirrel gaining the upper hand until SIR PUFFYTAIL swings his tail around in a circle taking SIR SGRAGGLES’S legs out from under him. SIR SCRAGGLE hits his head on a nearby stone, and is knocked into a “dreamland.” To get this effect a small “dream music” theme is played over the speakers and the lights dim with the exception of a spotlight which points at SIR SCRAGGLES. GIGANTIC ACORN and GIGANTIC WALNUT enter from stage left and right)

[Johngamer II]

GIGANTIC ACORN
(Shouts a battle cry and runs at GIGANTIC WALNUT)

GIGANTIC WALNUT
(Shouts his own battle cry and runs at GIGANTIC ACORN, the two collide and continue running into each other)

GIGANTIC ACORN
I am the superior nut!

GIGANTIC WALNUT
No, I am the superior nut! I am your master!

GIGANTIC ACORN
I will smash you into a fine pulp and then make a tasteless pie out of you!

GIGANTIC WALNUT
The only thing you will smash is your acorn face when I throw you to the ground.

(The two nuts run into each other some more while repeating their battle cries)

SIR SCRAGGLES
I think… this is the most ludicrous thing I have ever witnessed. I must have really hit my head hard.

(The two nuts cease their fighting and look at SIR SCRAGGLES for the first time)

GIGANTIC ACORN
He’s an ugly looking critter, isn’t he?

GIGANTIC WALNUT
Yes, quite, and here I didn’t think there was anything more ugly than an acorn.

GIGANTIC ACORN
You cad!

(With that, the two nuts resume their collision quarrel)

SIR SCRAGGLES
Ugg! I can’t take this anymore. Hey you two nuts, quit fighting already!

GIGANTIC ACORN
Why? I despise the walnut, I want to hurt the walnut, I want to throw the walnut into a fiery fiery volcano.

GIGANTIC WALNUT
Surely even a dimwitted creature such as you can see why I must fight this nemesis, this antagonist, this slanderer of all that is decent, this… this… acorn!

SIR SCRAGGLY
No, just because you are different, doesn’t mean you have to fight! You can both live together in harmony, can be friends! That’s something I’ve learned from this experience, I think I can finally make friends with my former enemy.

GIGANTIC WALNUT
Hey Acorn, what kind of creature do you suppose this hairy little mammal is anyway? Do you think he’s a duck?

GIGANTIC ACORN
No no, ducks aren’t hairy mammals. They have wings and fly around and lay little eggs.

GIGANTIC WALNUT
You sure it’s not a duck? It has done a lot of mindless quaking since we met it.

GIGANTIC ACORN
I’m sure it’s not a duck, or any kind of birdie for that matter. I think it’s a, um… hmmm. I’m not really sure.

GIGANTIC WALNUT
Large bushy tail, little bitty ears, cold black eyes—


SIR SCRAGGELS
--I’m a squirrel you idiots! I leap merrily from tree to tree, I make adorably little chittering noises, I bring smiles to the faces of children and old ladies alike, and I eat… grass. Yeah… that’s it, grass.

GIGANTIC WALNUT
Wait a second! Walnut, walnut, where have I heard this “scorral” word before?

GIGANTIC ACORN
“Scorrals?” Aren’t they the ones who eat… nuts!?

SIR SCRAGGELS
(Starts to slowly back away from the nuts)

GIGANTIC WALNUT
Yes, now I remember! “Scorrals” are those mythical creatures that slay all of the little baby nuts that leave their parent trees at night!

GIGANTIC ACORN
That’s right! Do you suppose he’s here to try and eat us!?

GIGANTIC WALNUT
Not if I can do anything about it! Acorn, I’m sorry for all of the mean things I’ve said and done to you in the past. Let’s team up against this mutual enemy and defeat him.

GIGANTIC ACORN
Sounds great! And afterwards we can take a picture of him and send it to Nut-tional Geographic.

SIR SCRAGGLES
Wait, no, friendly nuts…

(Spins around quickly and runs as fast as he can while looking back. Ends up running head first into a tree. Lights fade again; when they come back on, SIR SCRAGGLES is back laying down near the rock with SIR PUFFYTAIL jumping around excitedly)

SIR PUFFYTAIL
La la la la la! Acorns are better than walnuts; acorns are best nut in the world! I have proved it once again!

SIR SCRAGGLES
(Sitting up and regaining his composure)

Hello there my acorn loving squirrel chum, I am sorry I was so cruel to you. We should put aside our petty arguments and come together as friends.
SIR PUFFYTAIL
I’m no friend of scraggly looking walnut enthusiasts!

SIR SCRAGGLES
But it really doesn’t matter which nut we prefer. Acorns, walnuts, or even cashews… We can still live harmoniously together in a world of peace. That is something I learned from the nuts in my dream.

SIR PUFFYTAIL
You’re the only nut I’ve met today…

SIR SCRAGGLES
So tell me Mr. Acorn Advocate, why is it that you hate walnuts so much anyway?

SIR PUFFYTAIL
(Jumps, taken aback by the question)
I don’t really want to talk about that… It is still very painful to me.

SIR SCRAGGLES
Please? It would help me understand where you are coming from, and maybe even convince me to stop loving walnuts so much.

SIR PUFFYTAIL
Well, all right… If it will in some way help keep you away from those evil walnuts. “The Incident” happened when I was very young. It had been a really good day for me: the weather was nice, my mother had somehow managed to make me an acorn pie—which I’m sure was hard for her, beings as she has tiny little squirrel paws and no access to fire— and my triplet little sisters had just learned how to forage for their own food. Yes, things were great, too great now that I look back on it. Later in that same seemingly wonderful day, the weather began to change, ominous storm clouds swept across the sky, and I stubbed my toe on a rock. I could feel this change in the air, I knew something fateful was about to happen. That’s when the rain started…

(Starts to sniffle)

A deluge from the heavens that got in my eyes and made me sad. My family—that is my mother, my three sisters, and I—all decided to escape from the downpour and we hid under the “shelter” of a nearby walnut tree.

(Vainly tries to stifle more sniffles)

I curse that decision with every curse word I’ve ever learned! For after only minutes of hiding, lightning bolted down from the sky and hit a branch on that walnut tree. We all tried to run when we saw the branch coming towards us… I was a little faster than the rest of my family.

(Cries heavily)

I can still see the flaming walnuts where the eyes of my mother should have been! Their light seared into my very squirrel soul! I… I can’t talk about this any longer.

SIR SCRAGGLES
(Empathically lends SIR PUFFYTAIL his own squirrel tail to cry into)

There there my friend, there there.

SIR PUFFYTAIL
(Drying his tears and composing himself)

Thank you for being here for me… But now, you must tell me why you despise my beloved acorns so much.

SIR SCRAGGLES
Oh, actually, my story is slightly similar. Well, there is a bit of a resemblance anyway. “The Occurrence” happened when I was very young. It had been a really good day for me: the weather was nice, my father had somehow managed to make me a walnut pie—which I’m sure was hard for him, beings as he has tiny little squirrel paws and no access to fire— and my triplet little brothers had just learned how to forage for their own food. Yes, things were great, too great now that I look back on it. Later in that same seemingly wonderful day, the weather began to change, ominous storm clouds swept across the sky, and I stubbed my toe on a rock. I could feel this change in the air, I knew something fateful was about to happen. That’s when the rain started…

(Starts to sniffle)

A deluge from the heavens that got in my eyes and made me sad. My family—that is my father, my three brothers, and I—all decided to escape from the downpour and we hid under the “shelter” of a nearby acorn tree.

(Vainly tries to stifle more sniffles)

I curse that decision with every curse word I’ve ever learned! For after only minutes of hiding, lightning bolted down from the sky and hit a branch on that acorn tree. We all tried to run when we saw the branch coming towards us… I was a little faster than the rest of my family.

(Cries heavily)

I can still see the flaming acorns where the eyes of my father should have been! Their light seared into my very squirrel soul! I… I can’t talk about this any longer.

(The two squirrels embraced each other and cried their little squirrel eyes out)

SIR PUFFYTAIL
You know… After listening to your tale of woe—which moved me by the way—I realized that walnuts were not the enemy after all. Lighting is our mutual enemy, and it is lightning we must fight instead of each other!

(Stage lights dim slightly, and the “roll of thunder” can be heard)

SIR SCRAGGLES
It sounds as though a storm is indeed coming, and I hear that lighting strikes the tallest object. So, we will probably be able to have our brawl with lightning—and avenge our families’ deaths-- if we wander further out into the middle of the meadow.

SIR PUFFYTAIL
Didn’t you have some reason for not going into the meadow earlier?

SIR SCRAGGLES
I… don’t think so.

SIR PUFFYTAIL
Very well then!

(The two squirrels skip joyfully out into the center of the meadow, and then suddenly the piercing cries of hawks can be heard. The squirrels look around in terror only to be drug off stage by hawks that enter from opposite sides of the stage, flapping their “cardboard wing arms” ridiculously)

SIR SCRAGGLES
Nooooooooooooo!

SIR PUFFYTAIL
All is looooooooossssssttt!


Fin

[Psydd]

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[NBGreenDay]

It was too long

[Conan]

Yeah man that new Usher CD is off da hook!

[tN^SoUlBuRn]

I don't read posts that are as long as my penis.